When I was younger, I was pretty big on friends. What a friend should be, the kind of friend I wanted to be, how to deal with disappointment, etc, etc.
All these long philosophical excursions on friendship and loyalty and faith and unconditional love and how it was my goal to be the best friend I could be to anyone who wanted to be my friend.
Whatever, right?
And as I get older, whatever that means, I'm pretty grateful for the fact that my mom is my friend and that my sister is my friend. And maybe that is enough for me, right now. Even if I don't like them sometimes. Like my mom's non-stop chattering... I'm glad I've taken the patience to convert my reaction to this habit of hers from irritated to finding it a source of comfort. Because when I do listen to what my mom says, she says really nice things. Really empowering woman things:
She says to make sure you're never financially dependent on a man because it'll make you feel trapped and unhappy and you'll be subject to his whims and moods.
She says that it is better to be with someone who loves you more than you love him. (I'm going to translate this one as- don't follow a man.)
She says to finish school and have my own life.
She tells me not to catch any diseases.
And she tells me I'm young and I need this time to make my own foundations.
She tells me this stuff while she is cleaning my fridge and forcing me to drink congealed animal's blood. I notice that this advice she gives me is the advice she didn't take for herself. So, while my aunts tell me that it is better to be a stupid woman who lets a man provide for her- I think I am pretty incapable of letting that happen. Because my mom says she regrets not being able to make her own money, not being able to stand on her own because of a family. I remember when I was young and I used to hear her lament over this and not really understanding it because if you want to work- mom- then work! and if you want to stand on your own- then stand on your own! you don't have to be stuck in this because of me... I don't want to see you unhappy everyday.
yeah, but I am grateful today for her sacrifice. I wish she didn't sacrifice herself for me but also maybe, at the end of the day- if she is happy enough to still love me the way I need her to (aka chattering nonstop and cleaning my fridge) then maybe it wasn't a sacrifice at all, for her, but who she turned out to be.
Not a good or a bad thing... but the priority of HARMONY. Harmony as her number one priority. I like that priority. I like that value system. What path, what choices will be my harmony?