how me and rebecca have raised 6000 dollars in a month from personal donations from people we have dicked over and dont talk to anymore... is fucking fucking unbelievable. we've been getting high this year without substances, but really getting high, finding it hard to breathe on this life.
we needed to get a couple hundred dollars, almost 1000 by monday and our last resort was joey from straddle club, the 33 year old artist that rebecca dicked over, apparently she was "the muse that walked right out the door" and i told her to be june miller, to play his muse just so we could go to africa and she comes home at 12:30, i couldn't write my american lit final because i was nervous and the bitch got it! and our heads started spinning.
again.
on a less grander, non-revolutionary, nihilistic scale,
i want to buy lily a dog to replace me.
things i like:
tom waits heartattack vine and mule variations
m. ward transfiguration of vincent
my growing wine bottle collection
this gallery of a bedroom
i should sleep, i have a 7 page paper tomorrow to write.
but to end on a stressful note,
bible study is wrecking my nerves, the more i read it the more i find the bible evil. the more i have a problem with its perpetration of self-hatred and the sinful man. who sins merely by existing as a man. and i cant reconcile. i can't get my mind out of an overwhelming conspiracy theory of western civilization, i cant get out of the sphere of this cursed book. i went to bible study initially to learn the bible as a magnificent piece of literature but i see now i went because i wanted to be proselytized. i wanted to understand the concept of salvation and jesus' sacrifice but the more i'm studying it, the angrier i get and the more i find the tale ridiculous! everywhere i go, everything i read, i see it in terms of the bible's influence and this rut, this deadening weight is nearly unbearable. i haven't walked anywhere for a week or changed out of my sweats.